To Sum Up My Previous Post….

It’s Time To Be Happy Again!

Here’s to 24!

I turned 24 on Wednesday. Go me! 🙂 It’s like having a personal New Year which I get to view as a fresh start, a fresh chance at things. I hadn’t been posting at all lately which, again, was due to being down and feeling like I was going to constantly repeat what I’d been complaining about in previous posts. However, new age, new year, new start.
1…
2…..
3………
GO!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday morning I got up quite early – I had tinnitus for a few days and it was impossible to sleep with the constant ringing in my head! I got 4 extra hours of awake-ness in before I left for work. It was awesome! I did soooo many things before work that I wouldn’t have had a chance to do if I had risen at the usual time of 10.30am for a 12pm shift. I felt good about myself for that little difference alone. One of the goals in my bucket list is to become an early riser and I had my taste of it yesterday and I must say it tasted quite nice!

Today then, I had a lie in (it was the first time in days that I had no ringing in my head and honestly had sooooo much sleep to catch up on!) I still got up early enough to watch a movie before work! I watched The Secret. I turned 24, and I realise that it is in no way a significant age/landmark, but I decided quite firmly that 24 is going to be a MUCH better year than 23 was for me. 23 was stressful, due to my hDip, and depressing, due to my stupid over-thinking brain. I cannot let this keep happening…. I have resolved to make 24 a year of embracing positivity and trying to beat the anxiety and depression which I so often feel and get suffocated by.

Anyway, I watched The Secret. (You can access the video here) Even watching the video was enough to make me smile. I allowed the words to seep in and was very aware of my thoughts as I proceeded to get ready for work. I put on a playlist of happy songs and danced around the room as I put on my uniform. Its amazing how much music can affect your moods!

The Law of Attraction was on my brain for the day. There is one part of the movie where someone says something along the lines of: “start with something small like a cup of coffee. Make it your intention to attract a cup of coffee today.”
So I took their advice. I thought of a certain person who I hadn’t spoken to or seen in years – a friend of my ex’s mother – yes, that distant, just to test it. Believe it or not I saw her today. Not only did I see her, I also saw her sister and many people who looked like her – weird or what! I also went online to look at books and found some of the books that I planned to read before next summer (See my previous post about books!) on an offer – 3for2! Delighted! I’ve now purchased the books along with one or two more on positive thinking!

I also told myself this morning that I would get work in a school soon. It was 1.15pm when I got a phone call from a school looking for me to come in to cover classes next week. Not just any school, but my old school, the one school I really really really want to work in! I’m telling you, I’ve tried using the Law of Attraction before and it hadn’t really worked for me. Now though, when I really need it more than ever, when I need it to keep me from falling down the hole of darkness that so often looms next to me, it starts working. Try it. It’s tough sometimes to keep going, to keep believing, but try it!

This is the year that is going to make a difference!!!

Hmmm…..

Its been a while since I posted here and it took a bit of courage for me to decide to write tonight. If I’m to be honest with myself about it, I got scared. While I thought each day about what it is I could write about each night, I became more and more aware of the levels of negativity that were rushing through my everyday life.

I’m in limbo.

There’s nothing going on in my life at the moment. And I know that I’ve said all of that before so I’m not going to say it again. But I know that this whole situation, this limbo that I find myself in, is the root of my problem.

I need to take action. Fast.

Fundamentals of feeling ok….?

Feeling wanted, needed and necessary are very important aspects of feeling fulfilled. Right now, my levels of want, need and necessity are extremely low.

Its shocking me how much I need to distract myself. When I’m not distracted I’m resorting to shouting, screaming even, and crying. There is an immense build up of frustration within me at the moment. I have no teaching position, no boyfriend, getting no sex, and am reverting to low levels of self esteem. It sucks. Big time.

I need something amazing to happen. Something seriously amazing. And I know that things can’t just happen. There are times when you need to be proactive, times when you need to be a do-er. I go through phases of this. Being really down and then being really optimistic. It cn be a bit scary, especially when I’m recognising the replicated patterns.

Wanting things doesn’t make any difference. If like attracts like, then want attracts want. What good then is desire? What is the point in even caring?

How many people here have read, listened to, or watched The Secret? I’d love to know your take on it. I for one find myself absorbed in it one day and completely sceptical the next. How do we know if this Law of Attraction is actually true or some scam based on the ever-growing interest in spiritual culture that the twenty-first century has developed? I want to believe in something bigger than me because right now I’m struggling. I’m finding it extremely difficult to hold on, to find reasons to be happy right now. No job. No boyfriend/boys showing interest in me. No sex. No self esteem. How do I change this?? How do I find the positives here?

Instincts

Today I saw this guy that I’ve known for over a decade. We hooked up once, had fun…spent the night listening to music, catching up on what was going on in each other’s lives, and drinking. It was fun. But after that night we haven’t really talked since. I don’t know what it is. Nothing went badly. It didn’t end badly. There were no warning signs. We just haven’t talked since. I’ve seen him out in bars but we just don’t really talk. It confuses me. I don’t want him, or miss him in any way. Just the whole scenario annoys me. No explanation. No warning. It’s like nothing ever happened.

It has me thinking. How much of life do we get to decide upon? Do we fall in and out of these little scenes where we get a certain time frame upon which to assess someone and their potential when it comes to being a ‘mate’? I know that’s ridiculous, completely ridiculous. We are the ones who judge what time we give someone, right?  There’s a part of me that doesn’t believe that its all up to us any more. I believe that we’re given opportunities and that we need to make the most of them. We can’t dill-dally, or think too much. We need to act on impulse and instinct. A guy I worked with told me once that there are three main areas that can tell us how we feel about anything: your head, your heart, and your gut. When two outweigh one, you know your answer. That’s the definition of going on instinct for me.

Trusting your instincts however, can be difficult. It all boils down to trust. Do you trust yourself?

For years I would have said no. I know that I’ve made some bad decisions – nothing horrific but wrong nonetheless. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done things that I wish I’d done differently. But I do have faith in myself now. Since I made the decision to be alone and get to know myself better, I’ve managed to understand myself a lot more than I ever did before. Instead of relationship-hopping, I spent time figuring out the workings of my mind, my self-esteem, my inner-weirdo. At the start it was overwhelming, it was painful, and at times it felt like a lost cause. But…I trusted my instinct when it came to making that decision and it is the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m 99.9% certain that I’d still be with the guy I was with when I came to that decision. We were great together. But I think that I’m a much better and stronger person for allowing myself the space to grow.

Although trusting your instincts is scary at times, I must say I’m looking forward to the next adventure. It always leads to one of two places (sometimes both!): having fun and/or learning something about yourself. It might not seem that great at the time, but its always a win win. Roll with it.

Before I sleep…

These last few days, all I’ve done is this: Go to work, Come home, Re-watch some of Grey’s Anatomy and read a book.

I’ve been trying so hard to distract myself. It’s like being homesick, but all the while being at home. I know I’m being dragged down by emotions and the only way to free myself from it is to watch other people’s lives through the medium of medical drama or a beautifully penned book.  Somehow, seeing the way Meredith Grey‘s inner monologue works and reading a novel through first or third person narration helps me feel less broken. That’s what I’m feeling if I’m honest. Broken. All I knew has left me and I’m trying hard to stay afloat. Something is most definitely missing. I haven’t felt this way in quite a long time and the last time I did I wound up in counselling.

It was a really strange experience for me to read the book that I did over the last two days. Usually, I feel these things that absolutely terrify me, thoughts that make me worry about myself. I never know how to phrase it properly to explain to people what it feels like. However, in this book, Go to Sleep by Helen Walsh, the words were right in front of me, coming from the point of view of a seemingly suicidal and depressed first time mother. Its still freaking me out. First of all, I found it difficult to see the words written in front of me and think “That’s exactly how I feel!” After a while though, I started worrying about the prospect of ever having kids. If I’m thinking these kinds of thoughts now, what in God’s name would I be like after giving birth?! I know myself well enough to know how emotional I can be, how mental I can get. Imagine what I would be like if I were exhausted, in pain, and overflowing with both drugs and hormones. Knowing myself as well as I do I can honestly say that it terrifies me down to the very bone…

On a much more positive note, I managed to do a random act of kindness today. During the week I found money at work. According to my co-workers it was a case of “finders-keepers” but I didn’t feel okay with the idea of just taking someone else’s money and spending it on myself. Instead, I found inspiration in the post about random acts of kindness. I have a friend who works in a coffee shop which is pretty much just next to the shop I’m working in. She agreed to be the bearer of good news and tell as many people as she could that their coffees were already paid for (with the money I found on the floor.) She text me this evening saying she wished she had a camera and had taken pictures of their expressions for me. It made me happy to know that we managed to make other people happy. It was something I did because I didn’t feel like the money was mine. But knowing that I might have managed to cheer someone up who was having a really bad day has made me think about it. I might just start doing this kind of thing a bit more regularly. If it were me, in the state that I am in now, and someone paid for something for me just to be kind, it would put a smile on my face to be fair!

Just a Matter of Time

I wait for you to bring me life
To give me breath,
To make me smile.

I wait for you to pour like rain
upon my roots,
relieve all pain

as I grow and blossom,
spring and shoot.

For now I sit and wait and hope;
For you, someone I do not know.
I wait for you to bring me life.

SOS

When all I want is to feel full,
Why then do I yearn for emptiness?
My mind is burned
With thoughts and thoughts

And thoughts that make me scream.
I shake and wring and pace and breathe
and sigh and ache and yearn and need
Something that I’ll never get.

Something that I’ll never achieve.
Empty me. Abuse me.
Make me forget.

A Bucket List?

I’ve been thinking a lot about life over the past few days. Starting this blog has made me far more conscious of my thoughts, this is a huge benefit for me. What usually happens with me is that I think about something, usually a negative thought, and subconsciously this thought stays with me, hacking away at my mind until I find myself incredibly down and unable to recognise the source of the problem. With the blog however, I sit down every night or evening and reflect on the things that I’ve been thinking about that day. I’m made more aware of what my thought processes have been like and if something is important I get to deal with it without it hacking my brain. Thank you WordPress!

Today I’ve been contemplating life and how we constantly hold ourselves back – well, I feel I do anyway. There are things that I’d love to do but always find reasons not to. It brings back memories of the movie The Bucket List where two men create a list of things that they want to achieve/have completed before they die, or ‘kick the bucket‘.

I love the idea of this. Having a list of goals to work towards is always a very positive thing for any individual to have. It can keep us focused on positive things and experiences. It highlights the things that we enjoy in life and helps us to work towards them.

I’m 24 at the end of the month and I’ve decided that I’m going to create a bucket list for my 30th birthday. I want to compile a list of things that I want to have done or achieved by the year 2018 (that seems so far away!) I’m going to dedicate a separate page on the blog for this so that I can publicly cross things off the list as they are achieved.

Creating a bucket list is a bit confusing though. What is realistic? What is incredibly stupid and unattainable? What if I don’t manage to complete anything on the list?! I admit that I’m really looking forward to creating the list. I know that it will be a little bit crazy, my inner-weirdo will most definitely emerge! Nonetheless, it will be fun, and exciting, and a bit of a soul-search in ways. I hope to get that page up and running fairly soon! Wish me luck!

Life is either a daring a…

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

– Hellen Keller