Sunday Nights…

Sunday nights are lovely. It’s October and it’s cold and I’m falling on love with Sunday nights. We have  The X Factor – which I really didn’t want to watch this year, its a family oriented night at home, and lets face it, it’s just a great night to sit down and relax.

While Sunday nights are great, the dread of work in the morning is looming over me.

I’ve tried all day to be positive about work. I’ve had happy music on, listened to the audio book of The Secret, and I’ve eaten happy foods. However, I can’t shake the anxious, gut twisting fear of the morning and the week ahead.

Sounds a bit awful doesn’t it? There was a little bit of an incident last week where people got in trouble for things that wasn’t their fault and these things just go to highlight the issue of my constant question “Do I like it here at all?”

I don’t want to dwell on the negative at the moment because I don’t want to be attracting any more negativity or negative events into my life. In the words of The Secret “What you think about, you bring about” and I really couldn’t cope with much more of that at the moment. Usually what I’d do when I’m feeling like this is write poetry about it – but I don’t know if that will make any difference at the moment. I need to learn to accept. I need to learn to detach.

So, I’m going to learn to be. This year is about learning how to discipline. I don’t have to like it. I just have to get through it. I just need to survive it. On the plus side, there are only two weeks left until midterm break! Delighted!

I’m off to watch Downton Abbey! Just another little luxury of Sunday Nights!

Sweet Dreams World x

Rant for today…

Today I feel like absolute shit.

Its my day off. My one day off. And I feel awful.

Last night I went to an engagement party. It was a good party. It was great in fact. But I feel so seriously alone, so lonely. I’m starting to worry that I’ll never find the man of my dreams, that I’ll never attain such happiness. Loneliness doesn’t even really describe it if I’m honest. And I don’t want to talk too much about this emptiness that I feel because that black hole will only suck me in deeper and knock down any way I have of climbing out.

I’ve fought with my family all day. They don’t seem to understand the idea of double standards and how they so readily enforce them. I say one thing and the tables are turned and its all my fault. Granted, I’m not in good form and what I may have said might have just pissed them off that little bit more, but that’s no excuse to make me out to be the bad guy in the scenario.

I don’t know if I like the school I’m in. The students don’t care, the teachers don’t care, the BOM doesn’t care. I feel like I’m working my ass off for absolutely nothing. I’m working two jobs and feel so completely run down. I’ve got the career I’ve worked so hard for and I’m currently not enjoying it all that much.

To sum up. Life is pretty shitty atm. I’m alone, tired and stressed. I’m afraid.

Its Late…

Its late and I can’t sleep. I have this urge to write but I’ve got nothing substantial to write about. My mind is a maze of thoughts and feelings and I know that none of them really intertwine enough to make anything even mildly comprehensive… While at times I’m sure that, to some, I might sound intelligent and normal; I feel really young and teen-like tonight…help – I’m becoming my pupils! Perhaps even listing off what is on my mind will help me relax and finally find sleep…

-How I love Santa Maria by the Frames. There is a certain magic hidden within this song that I fell in love with the second I heard it over 7 years ago – Have a listen and let me know what you think! 
-How Saturday night will be interesting because someone unexpected will probably turn up and make things really awkward all round… God damn immature people and their compulsive need for drama
– How disheartening it is to be working where I’m working….Something major needs to happen to turn the place around…
– How I miss my best friend…why you need to go to college in a different  country and be so far away is beyond me 😦
– How I’m slowly but surely getting interested in One Direction… I might be 24 but I like them… Respect!
– How I hope to get tickets to go to see Ed Sheeran tomorrow morning
– How I hope I’m not taxed too much with my wages tomorrow…
– How sick I was today…not nice.. hope I’m better tomorrow!
– How I HAVE to read the new JK Rowling book… even though nothing could ever impress as much as the Harry Potter series (mmmm Rupert!)
– How much I want to try to do something to help these girls in school… I need something to make them believe that they can achieve more than what they think they can… I need to do something out-of-this-world fantastic…
-How tired I am! 🙂
– How there’s this little feeling inside me telling me that something great is going to happen soon and I feel like I’m waiting for it (I don’t even know if that even makes sense to anyone that doesn’t live inside my brain?!)
– How its payday tomorrow! I’m getting my first payment from a school for teaching! My first pay packet from my career!!! 🙂 Exciting!!!

Hopefully having this on paper/screen will help me let it all go and sleep…
Listen to the song!!! They’re Irish, they’re great… the song is perfect! 🙂
Sweetest of dreams to you all! x

New School… what I’m learning…

As you might know, I’ve recently started a job in a new school. Its a disadvantaged school and I’m currently in my fourth week of teaching there. I came out of work last week, sat into my car and simply wept. I was completely worn out from the weeks work I had put down. I know that for many people, stress is something that they can deal with and deal with well. I however, am the complete opposite to that in ways. I’ve decided that instead of neglecting my blog altogether that I use it as some form of a diary/venting area where I can get everything off my chest. Now, I know that that is what blogs are for many people but I’m a little bit scared about doing this.
Here’s why…

People, in Ireland anyway, seem to think that teaching is the “cushiest” job going. Particularly secondary school teaching. However, if people knew even half of what tends to happen in the day to day life of a teacher I’m sure that they would start to change their minds. We do not go in, say our bit, and leave. We get attached to students, we get screamed at by hormonal teenagers, we get tormented by the world and it’s mother, and we do not leave our work at work.
By blogging about the world inside the school’s doors, you leave a lot out in the open. Your weaknesses are highlighted in a classroom, as are your strengths, but we always worry about the weaknesses really… Students whisper and stare and, granted, it might have nothing at all to do with you, but you are always a little paranoid. You are involved in the creation of peoples professional lives, their intellectual development, their troubled homes, their scars from their past.
Writing about this is going to be strange. But it feels like it could be one of the only ways that I know how to cope.

So be warned – I’m planning on being honest. I’m going to share my doubts, my fears, my smiles and tears.

Confessions…

I have a confession to make… I have a thing for hot red heads…. A guy I was in love with for years had red hair, random people I see in the city with red hair… I’m slightly obsessed with Rupert Grint…

 

I’ve just spent the last hour and forty minutes watching Into the White… I repeatedly watch Cherrybomb simply for the fact that there is an almost-sex-scene in it… and don’t get me started on the latest Harry Potter movies. Even when I was a kid and the first movie came out, I had a little crush… It frightens me…! I would do some seriously dirty things to this man…. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to post that kind of a sentence on here..?!

Anyway, I should start a little campaign for myself…. to get as much support as possible for me to meet this guy…! How could I do this without seeming stalker-ish…. or is that even possible!?

I was in London once with students on a drama trip and we met Robert Sheehan… I didn’t take much notice of him at all because at the time I didn’t have a clue who he was (I know, how is that possible…. Your answer: I don’t watch tv!) So, I came home and watched Cherrybomb and realised who he was and instead of being all crazy-happy that I’d met him for his amazing talent, I was delighted with myself for meeting someone who had actually talked to/interacted with/probably touched Rupert Grint!

I know – I’m extremely sad and pathetic and lonely. However, no matter what you say or think, it could never take away from the raw sex appeal that I feel this man has…. yum…. over and out! 🙂

Softly Sleep… zzz…

So, I haven’t posted anything for a while. I feel guilty about that – and I don’t really know why because I’m not sure if many people care that much about what I have to say!

My life suddenly turned hectic. Two weeks ago I went for a job interview and got the job. And for the last two weeks straight I’ve been working two jobs, six day weeks. The teaching position is part time but the school which I work in is quite disadvantaged and the work is emotionally draining as well as intellectually.

Tonight is the first night I’ve had in ages where I really don’t have anything to do. I could have gone out, but I’m far too tired. My eyes are burning in my head and people think I’ve been crying but it’s merely exhaustion. I can’t wait until I can give up my job in the shop. I love the teaching and I really do believe that teaching is what I live for – the small differences we make as teachers can be huge in someone’s lifetime.

Because of the eye-burning and the exhaustion I cannot stay long. I need to sleep. I can’t wait to sleep! 🙂

The First Engagement

Tonight I found out that one of my friends is engaged to her boyfriend of 3 years.

I am incredibly happy for her! I am excited! I am in shock! I am proud! ……. I’m also scared!

You know how you watch those movies/tv shows and you see one girl get married and then her close friend has a major episode of self-analysis?! Take Friends for example: Phoebe gets engaged and hands over her ‘black book’ to Rachel. Rachel tells Phoebe to give it to one of her other single friends and Phoebe replies “You’re the last one!”  That’s the feeling I got when she told me – incredible singleness!

In 21st century Ireland, it is the social norm to get married from 30yrs+. We are way behind the traditions we see in The States where college sweethearts wed after they’ve graduated. We get our lives in gear here as best we can and then settle down.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe that, for me, I’m too young to ever be engaged/contemplating marriage. This is the first engagement in my group of friends. It’s scary. But the fact that she’s so up for it – so willing, able, ready, so sure…. it’s only serving as a mental highlighter to the fact that I’m still not sure how I feel about commitment. I would love to be in a position to say “I’m going to marry X”, or “I know for a fact that this is forever”, but the idea of being able to say that is also scary!

I’m going to jump out of my self-absorbed mindset and wish her and her fiancé the absolute best in their future lives together. They are an amazing couple who are soooo well suited, the true definition of a match made in heaven. They give the rest of us a reason to believe that our special someone is out there and waiting! To love, to marriage, and to happily ever afters – I congratulate them both.

Subbing VS Teaching

Today was my first day in a classroom as a qualified teacher. Today was my first day in a senior cycle class alone as the only responsible adult. Today I got my first taste of how hard I am going to have to work.

Being honest I was thrilled to have been asked back to cover classes for the school I did my teacher training in. I was excited, nervous, yet surprisingly calm….

The senior cycle class I had to cover was interesting. They talked and talked and laughed and joked, which is only to be expected really given the fact that their teacher was out. It made me seriously question the authority I have though. I may be a teacher but I’m still only newly qualified. I’m still finding my feet with my profession. I’m still learning. I had no idea what it would take to make the students take me seriously. Now, don’t get me wrong. They really only needed to be quiet for 20mins out of an 80min period, but they couldn’t do it. In the middle of a test these kids chanced their arm. They had textbooks open under the desks, they spoke openly asking one another the answers to the questions and when I tried to get them to stop they really didn’t take a bit of notice.

I remember well what it was like to have a free class in school. If we didn’t know the teacher that was covering the class then we really didn’t care. At all. But being an individual at the front of a group of thirty determined and defiant teens is not easy.

I’m in school again tomorrow and have been warned by the teacher who is missing that the class are “extremely lively” – in other words “be ready to rip your hair out!” I’m a little scared. To make matters worse, my aunt is a Special Needs Assistant in the school and is going to be in this class, this crazy class of children. This might seem reassuring to some, but for me its not. I know that I will be judged on every single thing that I do when I’m in front of her. I love her, but she’s a bit of a know-it-all. I’m really not looking forward to it.

Other than that rant – and thank you for reading my weird thoughts – things are quite good. I feel really happy today. Things are taking a turn for the better. I’m in a school, it might just be for two days but its school nonetheless. I’ve got a job interview for next Thursday and even though I know I won’t really get the job because of my qualification, I’m excited about the interview experience. To be honest, I thought I would be content with doing some substitution in my old school, but, and I realised this today for the first time, subbing isn’t teaching. I want to teach not sit and watch and give out. I want to interact, to inspire, to encourage. I won’t get that from subbing.

I’ve filled out a job application for a job for an English teacher today and I’m going to post it out tomorrow. Its maternity leave and it is just English – which really is ideal – so I sincerely hope that I get an interview at least. Who knows what might be around the corner!

There are only two days i…

There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.
— Dalai Lama

Drinking and how it lead to crossing something off my bucket list :o

Anyone who read my post on having a bucket list and who have seen the page about the Bucket List will see that something has now been crossed off….thats right…”Have a One Night Stand”

I don’t know whether or not I should be proud of this one being crossed off or not….?!

The story begins in a house party where my friends and I start my birthday celebrations….we then wind up in a bar with buckets (quite literally children’s buckets which they build sandcastles in) of drinks…then we move on to a club which, admittedly, is where things get hazy. A man/customer I know from the shop I work in hit on me, trying to say that even though he is the same age as my parents that he really likes me…(wtf?!) and no he is not the ONS guy! That whole situation was a bit of a weird one to be honest….how I wound up in that one is beyond me!

Anywho, the next thing I remember is talking to a guy I know and having a big Deep Meaningful Conversation about my ex and how he is worried about him….when one of the girls arrives over with this pretty handsome guy – who did turn out to be the ONS 😉 We went back to a house party and had a great night which involved drinking vodka straight (and I never ever drink vodka) and getting to know this guy a bit better.

In a way this was good for me – I don’t trust people easily at all but had a great night with a group of people that I don’t really know! There was a bit of an ‘accident’ though with the contraception and now I’m terrified of what the next month might bring but I think I should be ok….? I woke up in the morning a little panicky and left without really saying much other than bye and no numbers were exchanged. (Whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know) I found him on Facebook but I didn’t add him… I don’t know if I want to… he’s a lovely guy and we had fun… but I kind of want to leave it as it is. I don’t want to be the girl that does the chasing any more.

Saturday/Sunday left me in a zombie-like state which I have now thankfully recovered from! I don’t feel as anxious about the whole accident situation and, if truth be told, crossing something off my bucket list KICKED ASS!!!!!!!